Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Magnolia
I hate this movie. Always have. I watched it a second time because everybody told me how great they think it is. I still hated it. Totally ostentatious, pretentious, pile of doo. Oooo look at the frogs, how poignant. Yeah right. PT did so much better with Boogie Nights and There Will Be Blood because he didn't try so hard. Punch Drunk sucks too.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Heartwarming
I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting...
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Sad News
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flour.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
BONUS! MUST WATCH!!
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flour.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
BONUS! MUST WATCH!!
Friday, January 04, 2008
B is for Bible
I don't know if anyone else out there experienced this as much as I did, but do you remember going to church as a child and having those lessons where the minister would come up with a word and then break the word down so that each letter started another word that represented some extension of the original word? Wow, did I really just say that? OK, in other words, the preacher would say the word today is "Righteous" and then the "R" would stand for "Risen" because Jesus has "risen" from the dead. Then he'd go into more details about the word "risen" so that he could fill time. I suppose that lesson technique is what they teach you in Preaching 101...perhaps it's also in the "Preaching for Dummies" book at B&N (please tell me there really isn't one). It's almost like the preacher woke up that morning and totally forgot to come up with a sermon so he does this carbon-copy, boring, stale, blue-print of a sermon that is more about filling time than it is about being profound and educational.
These type of sermons are sorta like dirty dimes. When you walk down the street and see a dirty dime you just pick it up and look at it then throw it back down on the ground only to have someone else pick up the dime and preach about it (OK, seriously, this whole dirty dime thing is an inside joke...but if you found it profound then more power to you).
For the sake of absolutely nothing I'm going to come up with a word and break it down:
Word: Mr. Chocolate (I know it's actually 2 words and it's from the movie Grizzly Man but shut-up)
M is for Magic because Chocolate is magic. So is Harry Potter. And Weed. Uh...I mean Weeds the T.V. show...seriously, I meant the TV show!
R is for Reading because if you can't read then you're a retard.
The "." is for that girl who made fun of me when I told her that a period was the dot at the end of a sentence when I was 10 years old. How foolish I was...oh, how foolish.
C is for Coke because I love it so. THE DRINK you potheads!
H is for Holy because I always enjoyed singing that song in church. Holy Holy Holy Lord God Almighty. But I use to go Holy Holy Moly Lord God Almighty. As an 8 year old I found that highly amusing.
O is for Ominous for no particular reason.
C is for Coccyx...that little bone at the bottom of your spine. It's your butt bone!
O is for Old because this is getting old.
L is for Luminous because I am so luminous!
A is for Archery because it was offered as one of those gay gym classes in college. Ugh, gym in college...what a waste of precious, precious drinking time.
T is for Time because time is all we have people. We are all going to die and that sucks. But at least we don't have to live forever. I think that by the time the ice age rolled around or the sun blew up and the earth was a billion trillion degrees that living forever would really really suck.
E is for Educational because, unlike those lame sermons, this blog post was educational.
Amen.
These type of sermons are sorta like dirty dimes. When you walk down the street and see a dirty dime you just pick it up and look at it then throw it back down on the ground only to have someone else pick up the dime and preach about it (OK, seriously, this whole dirty dime thing is an inside joke...but if you found it profound then more power to you).
For the sake of absolutely nothing I'm going to come up with a word and break it down:
Word: Mr. Chocolate (I know it's actually 2 words and it's from the movie Grizzly Man but shut-up)
M is for Magic because Chocolate is magic. So is Harry Potter. And Weed. Uh...I mean Weeds the T.V. show...seriously, I meant the TV show!
R is for Reading because if you can't read then you're a retard.
The "." is for that girl who made fun of me when I told her that a period was the dot at the end of a sentence when I was 10 years old. How foolish I was...oh, how foolish.
C is for Coke because I love it so. THE DRINK you potheads!
H is for Holy because I always enjoyed singing that song in church. Holy Holy Holy Lord God Almighty. But I use to go Holy Holy Moly Lord God Almighty. As an 8 year old I found that highly amusing.
O is for Ominous for no particular reason.
C is for Coccyx...that little bone at the bottom of your spine. It's your butt bone!
O is for Old because this is getting old.
L is for Luminous because I am so luminous!
A is for Archery because it was offered as one of those gay gym classes in college. Ugh, gym in college...what a waste of precious, precious drinking time.
T is for Time because time is all we have people. We are all going to die and that sucks. But at least we don't have to live forever. I think that by the time the ice age rolled around or the sun blew up and the earth was a billion trillion degrees that living forever would really really suck.
E is for Educational because, unlike those lame sermons, this blog post was educational.
Amen.
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