B is for Bible

I don't know if anyone else out there experienced this as much as I did, but do you remember going to church as a child and having those lessons where the minister would come up with a word and then break the word down so that each letter started another word that represented some extension of the original word? Wow, did I really just say that? OK, in other words, the preacher would say the word today is "Righteous" and then the "R" would stand for "Risen" because Jesus has "risen" from the dead. Then he'd go into more details about the word "risen" so that he could fill time. I suppose that lesson technique is what they teach you in Preaching 101...perhaps it's also in the "Preaching for Dummies" book at B&N (please tell me there really isn't one). It's almost like the preacher woke up that morning and totally forgot to come up with a sermon so he does this carbon-copy, boring, stale, blue-print of a sermon that is more about filling time than it is about being profound and educational.

These type of sermons are sorta like dirty dimes. When you walk down the street and see a dirty dime you just pick it up and look at it then throw it back down on the ground only to have someone else pick up the dime and preach about it (OK, seriously, this whole dirty dime thing is an inside joke...but if you found it profound then more power to you).

For the sake of absolutely nothing I'm going to come up with a word and break it down:

Word: Mr. Chocolate (I know it's actually 2 words and it's from the movie Grizzly Man but shut-up)

M is for Magic because Chocolate is magic. So is Harry Potter. And Weed. Uh...I mean Weeds the T.V. show...seriously, I meant the TV show!

R is for Reading because if you can't read then you're a retard.

The "." is for that girl who made fun of me when I told her that a period was the dot at the end of a sentence when I was 10 years old. How foolish I was...oh, how foolish.

C is for Coke because I love it so. THE DRINK you potheads!

H is for Holy because I always enjoyed singing that song in church. Holy Holy Holy Lord God Almighty. But I use to go Holy Holy Moly Lord God Almighty. As an 8 year old I found that highly amusing.

O is for Ominous for no particular reason.

C is for Coccyx...that little bone at the bottom of your spine. It's your butt bone!

O is for Old because this is getting old.

L is for Luminous because I am so luminous!

A is for Archery because it was offered as one of those gay gym classes in college. Ugh, gym in college...what a waste of precious, precious drinking time.

T is for Time because time is all we have people. We are all going to die and that sucks. But at least we don't have to live forever. I think that by the time the ice age rolled around or the sun blew up and the earth was a billion trillion degrees that living forever would really really suck.

E is for Educational because, unlike those lame sermons, this blog post was educational.

Amen.