Magnolia

I hate this movie. Always have. I watched it a second time because everybody told me how great they think it is. I still hated it. Totally ostentatious, pretentious, pile of doo. Oooo look at the frogs, how poignant. Yeah right. PT did so much better with Boogie Nights and There Will Be Blood because he didn't try so hard. Punch Drunk sucks too.

Heartwarming

I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting...

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant.

OMG It Gets Better

Now That's Talent!

Sad News

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flour.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

BONUS! MUST WATCH!!

B is for Bible

I don't know if anyone else out there experienced this as much as I did, but do you remember going to church as a child and having those lessons where the minister would come up with a word and then break the word down so that each letter started another word that represented some extension of the original word? Wow, did I really just say that? OK, in other words, the preacher would say the word today is "Righteous" and then the "R" would stand for "Risen" because Jesus has "risen" from the dead. Then he'd go into more details about the word "risen" so that he could fill time. I suppose that lesson technique is what they teach you in Preaching 101...perhaps it's also in the "Preaching for Dummies" book at B&N (please tell me there really isn't one). It's almost like the preacher woke up that morning and totally forgot to come up with a sermon so he does this carbon-copy, boring, stale, blue-print of a sermon that is more about filling time than it is about being profound and educational.

These type of sermons are sorta like dirty dimes. When you walk down the street and see a dirty dime you just pick it up and look at it then throw it back down on the ground only to have someone else pick up the dime and preach about it (OK, seriously, this whole dirty dime thing is an inside joke...but if you found it profound then more power to you).

For the sake of absolutely nothing I'm going to come up with a word and break it down:

Word: Mr. Chocolate (I know it's actually 2 words and it's from the movie Grizzly Man but shut-up)

M is for Magic because Chocolate is magic. So is Harry Potter. And Weed. Uh...I mean Weeds the T.V. show...seriously, I meant the TV show!

R is for Reading because if you can't read then you're a retard.

The "." is for that girl who made fun of me when I told her that a period was the dot at the end of a sentence when I was 10 years old. How foolish I was...oh, how foolish.

C is for Coke because I love it so. THE DRINK you potheads!

H is for Holy because I always enjoyed singing that song in church. Holy Holy Holy Lord God Almighty. But I use to go Holy Holy Moly Lord God Almighty. As an 8 year old I found that highly amusing.

O is for Ominous for no particular reason.

C is for Coccyx...that little bone at the bottom of your spine. It's your butt bone!

O is for Old because this is getting old.

L is for Luminous because I am so luminous!

A is for Archery because it was offered as one of those gay gym classes in college. Ugh, gym in college...what a waste of precious, precious drinking time.

T is for Time because time is all we have people. We are all going to die and that sucks. But at least we don't have to live forever. I think that by the time the ice age rolled around or the sun blew up and the earth was a billion trillion degrees that living forever would really really suck.

E is for Educational because, unlike those lame sermons, this blog post was educational.

Amen.

God Bless Us Every One

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

-Travis

Harry Potter Puppets

Pretty funny stuff, especially when you get towards the end.

The Magic of Editing

Several years ago I had the privilege of watching a recut trailer for Sound of Music that made it come across as a horror movie. It was brilliant. I couldn't find that particular trailer on youtube (there were a couple knock offs), but I did find these that are equally amusing.

Mary Poppins as a Horror Movie



The Shining as a Romantic Comedy (my personal favorite)

So True

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

Lake Geneva

So I'm currently working in Wisconsin at a resort called Grand Geneva. It's a beautiful resort with a spa, ski facilities, beautiful lodging, and an awesome indoor swimming facility. If you want to check it out go to www.grandgeneva.com. I'm playing piano for their Christmas Show: Hooray for Holidays! The resort also has several restaurants including an Italian restaurant that is apparently very, very exquisite. I will try to document some of my experiences here on the blog. The people are all very nice here and the show is coming along nicely. So wish me luck and I hope all of you are doing interesting and entertaining things as well.

Chicken Recipe

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing. Imagine that! When I found it, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN

6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (Orville Redenbacher's Low
Fat) Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.

Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.

McDonalds Monopoly

How ingenious is this concept anyways? Whoever came up with the idea of playing monopoly by buying a large fries and drink should be punished. It is addicting and cruel. I don't like McDonalds. I don't like their food and I think they are one of the primary sources of obesity and lack-of-health in this country. Yet, I still find myself going to McDonalds to play Monopoly. I really could use a million dollars. I sat down and realized that if I put 1 million dollars in a CD worth 5 percent, I would earn 50,000 dollars a year in interest. I would never have to work again. I could just live off of the interest. I would still probably work, but it would be nice to know I didn't have to if I didn't want to. Plus if a boss pissed me off at work I could just tell them off and not worry about losing my job. Now they have the online version of Monopoly which is equally as cruel. They really have perfected ways on getting people to come back and play more. Park Place is one of the easiest pieces to acquire. But Boardwalk is virtually impossible because it is worth a million. Some people out there probably don't realize that, so they just keep coming back to McDonalds thinking they just lucked out by getting Park Place and they are going to be equally as luck at getting Boardwalk. I'm one of those idiots. Ugh. I hate McDonalds. I'm convinced the online game is rigged as well. They make you think you are going to win certain properties but you never will. By the way, here are the "hard" pieces to get:

Boardwalk-
Pennsylvania Ave-
Ventnor Ave-
Kentucky Ave-
Tennessee Ave-
Virginia Ave-
Vermont Ave-
Mediterranean Ave-

And "Short Line" has always been the winning railroad piece!!

If you haven't started playing it yet...DON'T. It's unhealthy and a waste of time and money. But most importantly: It's ADDICTING!

By the way...

Don't you love how youtube takes videos down due to infringement only to be put back up by someone else later that day. Why do they even bother? This video was taken down so the old link (from a blog I did a few weeks ago) doesn't work so I'm reposting it again because it is so worthy. Do watch the bonus vids as well:




BONUS:



Another Bonus:

Who Am I?

I never make mistakes. I thought I did once, but I was mistaken.

I'm still here.

Things are going well here on the farm. We opened our show this week to a sold out crowd and they responded well. Our second show received a standing ovation (for Bearcreek that is quite an accomplishment because most of the patrons can't stand very well seeing how they are usually 70+) and last night we performed to another sold out audience including my parents. If anyone is interested in coming to the show let me know. I may be able to score some comp tickets. Other things have been going well. I'm going through that post rehearsal depression where I realize I have nothing to do but think about my life. Haha. No, but seriously, I'm great and I just need to find things to occupy my time. I'd like to start a myspace music page and write a few songs to put up on it. If anybody has any good lyrics let me know. I'm not much of a lyricist. I hope all is well with whoever reads this and leave me some comments to let me know how things are going with you!

Too funny

Here I Am.

So while most of my readers are enjoying basking in the sun next to their beach house, I am back at Bearcreek farms enjoying the relaxing sting of the mosquitos and the pleasant aroma of manure. I arrived here a couple days ago and have managed to go to the bar both nights I've been here. I am indifferent about being back here. I'm glad to see old faces that are happy to see me back but on the flip side I didn't really see myself coming back here so soon. I think the show will be fun though and I'm looking forward to putting it up. I'll keep you posted as much as possible on the progress and if any fun stories pop up! Hope all you beach heads are having a fab time!!! Miss you!

Job Time

Just so everyone is aware, this is what I'll be doing for the next few weeks:



For those of you who are a little confused, I'm going to play piano for a show called Sisters of Swing. I'm also a character in the show with a few lines. It should be interesting. The show is about the lives of the Andrews Sisters. Normally, I'd be music directing but I opted out for this one. I'm leaving on Monday and I won't be done until around Nov. 7. I won't have internet where I'm going except when I go into town to use the wireless at the coffee shop. Hence, I won't be updating my blog as much. I'm sorry! But I will try to update as much as I can and I hope that all of my 5 readers update their blogs as well. I might get dial up just to satisfy my cravings but I'm not sure yet.

Two new things to watch that start with D.

Dexter - If you haven't heard of it, it's a show on Showtime about a serial killer. If I tell you any more about it then I'd be ruining things. It's clever. One of those shows that you watch and think, "who comes up with this stuff?". It could probably be funnier. It has its humerous moments but oftentimes it seems to miss the "dark humor" it could be embracing. That aside, it's a great show and one that should not be missed. Bonus: it has Julie Benz (Darla) in it from Joss Whedon's Buffy and Angel series.

Death At A Funeral - This is a film that was released a few weeks ago and hardly made a blemish on the sales chart. The sad thing is that it should have. It's an hysterical British comedy about a group of people who attend a funeral where things (naturally!) start going wrong. It's farce with some dark humor. I've noticed, however, that many people did NOT like this film. It seems to be an "either you hate it or love it" sort of movie. I loved it! Bonus: it has Alan Tudyk (Wash) in it from Joss Whedon's Firefly series.